


The Bizarre Crossover in Which Ryoma Performs Brain Surgery

by Psyga315



Series: Mini-Bridged [1]
Category: Kamen Rider Gaim, Kikaider
Genre: Abridged Series, Androids, Brain Surgery, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Censored Swearing, Colored Text, Comedy, Crossover, Fear The Urobutcher, Gen, Hilarity Ensues, Humor, Killer Robots, Maid Robots, Robots, Script Format, Spoilers, Swearing, confusing timeline, puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-27
Updated: 2014-05-27
Packaged: 2018-01-26 17:36:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1696703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Psyga315/pseuds/Psyga315
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kouta finds a robot. He asks Akira to keep him. What can possibly go wrong?</p><p>Oh, and Ryoma does brain surgery. You'll find out why that's important to note.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Bizarre Crossover in Which Ryoma Performs Brain Surgery

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, before we begin with this fanfic, MASSIVE spoiler warnings for Gaim here. I'm talking massive! Like, if you haven't seen the series up to #31, you're gonna get spoiled on some things.

**Narrator:** Two weeks ago...

 **Viewer:** Two weeks ago? Dude, what the hell happened? Aren't we going to see what happens after Deemushu goes to Zawame?

 **Narrator:** No. This story is _far_ more interesting. A startling figure enters Zawame...

 **Viewer:** It's Deemushu, right?

 **Narrator:** No! It's someone else!

 **Viewer:** Oh! Maybe it's a new kind of Inves or maybe an alternate universe version of Yuuya!

 **Narrator:** No! This is a crossover with Ishinomori's _Kikaider_!

 **Viewer:** Aw man, a filler? How does this fit in with the story line?

 **Narrator:** Two weeks ago...

 **Viewer:** You can't just say 'two weeks ago'! This isn't Double or Fourze! The episodes take place roughly in the same timeframe! When the hell does this episode take place in? After Gaim gets the Lemon Lockseed? The Kachidoki Lockseed? That one other crossover he had?

 **Narrator:** Look, this is a crossover with an Ishinomori hero. Unless you want to see Kouta toss his Driver into the lava like how the _last_ crossover happened, I suggest you shut the [EFF!] up.

 **Viewer:** Alright!

 **Narrator:** Good. Now let's begin.

* * *

 

**Kamen Rider Gaim**

**Mini-Bridged**

**The Bizarre Crossover in Which Ryoma Performs Brain Surgery**

* * *

**Akira:** Oh God, I'm having a speaking role, that must mean Gen Urobuchi is going to kill me now!

 **Kouta:** What? How do you come across that conclusion?

 **Akira:** He's not called the Urobutcher for nothing! I'm gonna be killed off to show how dark and edgy the show's become and I'll soon turn into nothing more than a subject for your angst!

 **Kouta:** Relax! He didn't go after the Kanames, so I doubt he'll go after you. Now, let's pull some convenient backstory! Remember when I got a dog?

 **Akira:** Nooooo?

 **Kouta:** I found a puppy and wanted to keep him, but we couldn't. I even gave it a name: Jiro.

 **Akira:** And we're bringing this up becaaaaaauuuuuse...

 **Kouta:** Dunno. Bet it's gonna be important later on.

* * *

{le park}

 **Mai:** Hey, Kouta, there's a robot!

 **Kouta:** Mai, that's clearly a street performer!

 **Mai:** Feel his [EFF!]ing skin!

{He does so}

 **Kouta:** Duuuuude! He's made of metaaaaal!

{Lightning strikes, knocking the Under Repair Sign and activating Jiro}

 **Mai:** HOLY [BLEEP]! YOU JUST GOT STRUCK BY LIGHTNING!

 **Kouta:** AND THIS LIGHTNING IS MAGICAL! LOOK! THE SIGN WAS CLEARLY ENGLISH, NOW IT TURNED JAPANESE!

{He points to the Under Repair sign}

 **Mai:** Let's take him back to Micchy! See if he can help us!

 **Kouta:** Yeah, Micchy is a trustworthy guy!

* * *

 

{le hangout}

 **Mitsuzane:** Kouta-san... Why must you mess with everything? You made Mai sad, you made my brother happy, and you insist there's no way but your way... I must put an end to you once and for-

{Kouta, Mai, and Jiro waltz in}

 **Kouta:** Hey, Micchy!

 **Mitsuzane:** Waaaaazzzzuuuuuup!!!

 **Mai:** Look, we brought a robot!

 **Mitsuzane:** That's clearly a human.

 **Kouta:** No. I mean, touch his skin!

 **Mitsuzane:** Oh, wait, he's a robot. Never mind.

 **Kouta:** How do you know?

 **Mitsuzane:** There's a giant glowing reboot button on the back of his neck.

{Mitsuzane points to the back of his neck}

 **Mitsuzane:** Quite frankly, I'm surprised. Usually the reboot button's placed... down there.

{Mitsuzane points downwards}

 **Kouta:** Oh! You mean his belly button?

 **Mitsuzane:** No, I mean... _down there_.

 **Mai:** The legs?

 **Mitsuzane:** ... Actually, for once, I'm glad I'm surrounded by idiots.

 **Kouta:** Huh? I couldn't hear you over how amazing this robot is!

 **Jiro:** Robot?

 **Kouta:** Yep. That's you!

 **Jiro:** Are _you_ a robot?

 **Kouta:** No, I'm-

 **Jiro:** And if so, what kind of powers do you have? Do you use them for good or for awesome?

 **Kouta:** Look, I'm a human. My name is Kouta.

{Jiro scans Kouta}

NAME: KAZURABA KOUTA

GENDER: MALE

LIKELIHOOD OF BEING AWESOME: 100%

**Kouta:** This is Mai.

{Jiro scans Mai}

NAME: TAKATSUAKSA MAI

GENDER: FEMALE

LIKELIHOOD OF BITCHING AT YOU: 25%

**Kouta:** And this is Micchy.

{Jiro scans Mai}

NAME: KURESHIMA MITSUZANE

GENDER: MALE

LIKELIHOOD OF BACKSTABBING YOU: **OVER 9000%**

**Jiro:** I do not trust the one you call, Micchy.

 **Kouta:** Don't worry! Micchy is an alright guy! He's always got my back!

 **Mitsuzane:** Yeeeeaaaaaah... Heheh...

 **Jiro:** I presume that I should give you my name. It is Jiro.

 **Kouta:** HAH! I KNEW THAT SUBPLOT WOULD SERVE FOR THIS PLOT!

 **Jiro:** I also can't remember anything.

{Kadoya Tsukasa pokes his head in from the window}

 **Tsukasa:** Join the JRPG Protagonist Club!

{and proceeds to waltz out.}

 **Kouta:** Guess I'll take him home until he remembers. I mean, that's a perfect recipe for wacky hijinx!

* * *

{Le Kazuraba House}

 **Akira:** Kouta, we can't keep him.

 **Kouta:** AAAAW!

 **Akira:** Look, don't you have some sort of navel gazing to do about what it means to be a hero? Why don't you do that instead?

 **Kouta:** But siiiiiiiis...

 **Akira:** Okay, but if he's not out of the house by the end of this episode, I will kick the both of you out. At least that will increase my chances of survival.

 **Kouta:** ALRIGHT! We did it, Jiro!

 **Akira:** Oh, yeah. That subplot.

 **Jiro:** Huh?

 **Kouta:** I got a dog but had to give him away. His name was Jiro.

 **Jiro:** Oh! Excuse me one sec.

{Jiro leaves the room. The two proceed to eat Jiro's food.}

 **Kouta:** [Insert joke that references Bender's cooking from Futurama here]

 **Akira:** [Insert line from Futurama regarding Bender's cooking]

 **Jiro:** Hey guys, got the dog!

{Jiro walks in with a puppy. Kouta and Akira jump out of their seats}

 **Kouta:** WOOOOOOOAAAAH!

 **Akira:** Jiro, the [EFF!]?

 **Jiro:** I have no idea what it is you're concerned about.

 **Kouta:** You just stole a dog!

 **Jiro:** This is Jiro, right?

 **Kouta:** No! He was a puppy when I was young! That puppy clearly has a collar on!

 **Akira:** You just committed grand theft canine!

* * *

{Later that day, Kouta and Jiro went out for a walk}

 **Jiro:** What does 'turning me into the authorities' mean?

 **Kouta:** It means I'm bringing you to the cops, you fess up about the puppy you stole, and you'll be sent to jail for about ten years. Give or take.

 **Jiro:** This 'jail' you speak of sounds interesting. Is it like a house?

 **Kouta:** Yeah... Only with the overall fear of jumping into the shower. Word of advice, don't _ever_ drop the soap.

{Sudden Inves Attack}

 **Kouta:** Oh for [EFF!]'s sake! **HENSHIN!**

** ORANGE! **

**Jiro:** Wooooah! What is that?

{he points to the giant orange in the sky}

 **Kouta:** This is how I transform. Watch.

{Kouta locks it into his Driver}

**LOCK ON!**

{Kouta cuts the Lockseed}

 **SOIYA!** **ORANGE ARMS! THE PATH OF BLOSSOMS, ON STAGE!**

{Kouta goes over to fight the Inves off.}

 **Kouta:** **Get out of here!**

 **Random Citizen:** Hey! It's a Beat Rider! Wait, are we supposed to hate them or love them now?

 **Another Random Citizen:** WHO CARES! LET'S GET THE [EFF!] OUTTA HERE!

{The citizens run off, but Kouta gets his ass kicked and the Inves goes for them next... But Jiro steps in and kicks _its_ ass. The Inves runs off. Kouta detransforms}

 **Kouta:** You're a battle droid!

 **Jiro:** A what?

* * *

{le Yggdrasil}

 **Yoko:** Explain to me again why you're dotting your forehead?

 **Ryoma:** I'm going to do the last phase of testing out a cool new android that a friend of mine, who I will never speak of again by the way, lent me. Give me a hand!

 **Yoko:** And that robot on the screen?

{She points to a red and blue robot}

 **Ryoma:** Oh that guy? Eh, guess my friend just uploaded about four terabytes of some old Tokusatsu show onto this robot. Apparently it's Kikaider.

 **Yoko:** Oh yeah, that one show I vaguely remember.

* * *

{le Kazuraba Residence}

 **Akira:** Okay, forget what I said, let's keep Jiro. He's an awesome maid robot.

 **Kouta:** But I just established that he's a battle droid!

 **Akira:** Well, maybe he doesn't _want_ to be a battle droid. Maybe he wants to be a maid robot like all the other maid robots in this town.

 **Kouta:** What maid robots? He's the only robot here!

 **Akira:** Look, let's all enjoy our wacky hijinx before Gen Urobuchi drops Damocles' sword on me.

 **Kouta:** Gen isn't even writing this episode!

 **Akira:** Exactly! This may be our only chance to actually _enjoy_ ourselves! Come, there's a movie playing tonight.

 **Kouta:** Alright... Jiro, wanna talk in my room?

 **Jiro:** Alright.

* * *

 

{le bedroom}

 **Kouta:** So what _do_ you remember?

 **Jiro:** Only that I have to vaguely protect someone from something vague.

 **Kouta:** Well that's great!

 **Jiro:** I don't wish to remember! I want to be a maid robot!

 **Kouta:** What?

 **Jiro:** I don't like to fight! I want to sit at home and clean the house!

 **Kouta:** ... Oooookay.

{Phone rings, Kouta answers}

 **Kouta:** Micchy, for the last time, I'm not gonna enter the forest only to find nothing but random Inves attacks and the occasional ambush from Takatora or the other Energy Riders.

 **Zack:** _Kouta! It's me! Zack!_

 **Kouta:** Who?

 **Zack:** _You know! Team Baron's leader!_

 **Kouta:** I thought Kaito was Baron's leader.

 **Zack:** _No, he quit, remember?_

 **Kouta:** Oh yeah. What do you want?

 **Zack:** _There's trouble!_

* * *

 

{Abandoned Warehouse District, in which Zack gets his ass handed to.}

 **Kouta:** Woah! What happened!

 **Zack:** Kouta, this guy's crazy strong!

{Kouta sees Hakaider}

**Hakaider: How perfect. Now I have the perfect specimen to collect data from. Kazuraba Kouta.**

**Kouta:** How do you know my name?

 **Hakaider:** **Really? Am I that hard to recognize?** **Hello? Who else talks about collecting data 24/7 and has a fixation on collecting data from _you_?**

 **Kouta:** I dunno.

**Hakaider: It's me! Ryoma Sengoku!**

**Kouta:** Who?

**Hakaider: Ryoma Sengoku! Don't you recognize me? Guy who made your Driver say crazy stuff because it's a guilty pleasure?**

**Kouta:** Oh, I know _a_ Ryoma, but he wasn't Sengoku.

 **Hakaider:** **... Don't tell me you're thinking of-**

 **Kouta:** His name was Ryoma Wärring!

**Hakaider: Goddamn it. Yes. It's a me. Ryoma... arg... Wärring.**

**Kouta:** WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?

**Hakaider: I put my brain into this robot suit!**

**Kouta:** WAT?

 **Hakaider:** **Yeah!**

 **Kouta:** What the hell, man!

**Hakaider: I know. SCIENCE!**

**Kouta:** What the actual hell!

{As they bicker, large red text appears beneath them: ** I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN THE EPISODE**}

 **Kouta:** Dude! You have your brain sticking out your head! This is a kid's show!

 **Hakaider: Really? Kid's show? Dude, I talked about committing genocide going into the billions a couple of weeks ago, a drug dealer killed a kid whose addiction he fuelled and we're in a story where in about ten years time, Earth will be overrun by monstrous plants. We're goddamned lucky the _previous_** **season had the serial killer in it, otherwise we probably would have had _that_ as well! But enough talk! Have at you!**

{Hakaider shoots at Kouta}

 **Kouta:** **HENSHIN!**

**ORANGE! LOCK ON! SOIYA!  ORANGE ARMS! THE PATH OF BLOSSOMS, ON STAGE!**

{The two fight, though Kouta gets his ass handed to him because, let's face it, Hakaider's a badass.}

**Kouta: What's with all these robots? First Jiro, now you?**

**Hakaider: Jiro? Oh, I just happen to know Jiro.**

**Kouta: What? How?**

**Hakaider: Don't ask. ... No, seriously, don't ask.**

* * *

 

{Flashback to Yggdrasil, where Ryoma is watching Kikaider. Sid walks in}

 **Sid:** Hey, Ryoma, the Overseer's sleeping. Wanna stab him to death ala MacBeth and- Dude, what the hell are you watching?

 **Ryoma:** A colleague of mine had this robot full of old Tokusatsu shows for me to binge on.

 **Sid:** Why are you watching that cheesy kid's show? Come on, we got a dude to overthrow!

 **Ryoma:** Not right now, Sid! I need to watch every episode in careful detail in case I ever get quizzed on this stuff later.

 **Sid:** You're just as dumb as those kids. Why don't you get off your lazy ass and murder Takatora already?

 **Ryoma:** Why don't _you_ shut the [EFF!] up and drink some Cherry Crush?

 **Sid:** Oh come on! Wait until next week to start cracking that joke!

 **Ryoma** : What? And miss out on your reactions to them? I should _cherry_ ish these special moments. Not every day you get caught between _a rock_ and a hard place.

 **Sid:** Okay, I don't have to take this. Screw you, Ryoma, I'll go see if Yoko would want to do the stabbing.

{Sid begins to leave}

 **Ryoma:** Hey, don't take my advice for _granite_!

 **Sid:** Go f*ck yourself!

* * *

 

 **Hakaider:** **Good times.**

 **Kouta:** **Damn you!**

{Kouta gets out the Lemon Energy Lockseed}

 **MIX!** **JINBA LEMON! HA HA!**

{The fight continues and even involves Zack, but the two get their asses handed to by Hakaider, because, again, he's a badass}

**Hakaider: Well, that's enough for me, see you suckers!**

{Hakaider leaves}

* * *

 

{le park}

 **Kouta:** Huh, amazing what you can learn on the Wikipedia.

{Jiro enters}

 **Jiro:** Hey, whatcha reading?

 **Kouta:** Possibly about the guy who created you. Apparently he was working on this Project called ARK Project...

 **Viewer:** Does that mean he's in on Yggdrasil's schemes?

 **Narrator:** No, no, silly. That would require actual canon welding. No, this is a completely _different_ ARK Project. This one has the ARK in caps. That and, you know, reversed ordering of the words and all that.

 **Viewer:** Aaaw...

 **Kouta:** But he died in a mysterious accident. Knowing how these shows work, I'm guessing he got murdered.

 **Jiro:** What makes you think that? It could just be he got into an accident.

 **Kouta:** Look, maybe you'll remember something about this ARK Project once I reboot you.

 **Jiro:** But I don't wanna be rebooted! I wanna be a cute little maid robot and get into wacky hijinx!

 **Kouta:** You're not gonna find that here! Maybe with that Oren guy or those weird dudes that had their train colored like the freaking Power Rangers, but definitely not here! In this town, people run the risk of getting attacked by Inves! You know that monster back there? There's a lot more of them, and they're not gonna stop coming! I'm trying to get idiots to understand that they don't have to commit genocide to save the world all while fighting by myself to protect the people of this city! You wanna be a maid? Fine! Be a maid! But what happens if either Akira or I get attacked? What happens if Mai or Micchy get attacked and I'm not there to save them?

 **Jiro:** Personally, I wouldn't be concerned with saving this Micchy guy.

 **Kouta:** You're made to be a battle droid. I think whatever this scientist was thinking when he made you, he was making you to protect. Isn't that your goal? Protecting people?

 **Jiro:** I want to protect people... But that requires fighting! I don't want to fight!

 **Kouta:** ... Sometimes you have to fight.

 **Jiro:** ... What if I become like that Hakaider guy? I mean, he has "Destroy" in his name!

 **Kouta:** I doubt it. Besides, I'm sure Ryoma has complete control over him.

* * *

 

{At Yggdrasil, Hakaider kicks everyone's ass}

 **Yoko:** Okay, I think you had enough fun blowing shit up. Shall we put your body back before the Overseer notices your brainless corpse in his freezer?

**Hakaider: Aaaaw, but I wanna destroy more!**

**Yoko:** Fine! Go destroy that Kouta kid!

**Hakaider: Yaaaaaaay~!**

* * *

 

{Le random park}

 **Jiro:** I want to protect... But if I protect... I have to fight...

{Suddenly Inves and Kouta}

 **Jiro:** Kouta!

 **Kouta:** **HENSHIN!**

**ORANGE! LOCK ON! SOIYA!  ORANGE ARMS! THE PATH OF BLOSSOMS, ON STAGE!**

{Then sudden Hakaider}

**Hakaider: Hey, Jiro, let's take this fight to a random parking lot!**

* * *

 

{Random Parking Lot}

**Hakaider: Destroy... Destroy... DESTROY!**

{Suddenly Bio Hunter Silva comes up}

**Silva: Screw you! I trademarked that catchphrase! You have no right to say it! I'll see you in court and make you see justice!**

**Hakaider: Justice? This is what I do with it.**

{Hakaider shots Silva in the head, blowing it off.}

**Hakaider: I burn it. In flames.**

{Conveniently, Kouta comes with the Inves and gets his ass handed to by Hakaider}

 **Jiro:** Kouta!

**Kouta: Jiro...**

**Jiro:** ...

{Jiro looks to Hakaider}

 **Jiro:** I... I will fight! Kouta! The reboot button! Press it!

 **Kouta:** **Oh, _now_** **you want to be a battle droid!**

 **Jiro:** I have to protect the people I love... Even if I become a monster like Hakaider, I must fulfill my duty. Press the reboot button... Now.

 **Kouta:** **Alright!**

{Kouta presses it and causes a huge electromagnetic blast that causes all the cars to beep uncontrollably.}

* * *

 

{Yggdrasil}

 **Disposable Yggdrasil Member:** Overseer, something strange is going on with the cars.

 **Takatora:** I don't care.

 **Disposable Yggdrasil Member:** But what if it's an Inves attack that's so massive, we need to cover it with our Riders?

 **Takatora:** Shush.

{The Disposable Yggdrasil leans over, along with Sid, to see that Takatora is watching an old TV show}

 **Takatora:** Ryoma's gotten me hooked on _Kikaider_.

 **Sid:** Oh come on, not you too!

* * *

 

 **Jiro:** _Switch on..._

 **Viewer:** Oh, I see what they did there.

{Jiro transforms}

**Hakaider: No way... That's the Legendary Hero! Kikaider!**

**Kouta:** **If he's so legendary, how come I haven't heard of him until now? Bah screw it! THIS IS OUR STAGE NOW!**

{Kouta pulls out the Kachidoki Lockseed}

**KACHIDOKI! LOCK ON! SOIYA!  KACHIDOKI ARMS! TAKE THE FIELD! HIP HIP HURRAH!**

{Raise Up Your Flag plays as the two beat up the Inves and Hakaider}

**Hakaider: Yeah, this is getting too hot for me, I'm getting the [EFF!] outta dodge.**

{Hakaider rage quits}

**Kouta: Now who do we perform this epic finisher on?**

{The two turn to the Inves}

 **Kouta and Jiro:** **He'll do.**

{And the two give the Inves the Ishinomori special, which surprisingly bare a bit of resemblance towards Drake and Kabuto's little tag team finisher.}

**Kouta: We did it Jiro!**

{Kouta notices Jiro is missing}

**Kouta: Damn it.**

* * *

 

{Cut to a random lake where Jiro is practicing his mad guitar skills}

 **Kouta:** Hey, Jiro!

 **Jiro:** And you are?

 **Kouta:** Don't you remember me and oooooooh...

* * *

 

{flashback to a few hours ago in the hangout}

 **Mitsuzane:** Here, this will teach you everything you have to know about having a robot around the house and the hijinx that ensue. Oh and the whole reboot button I talked about.

{Mitsuzane gave Kouta the complete series of Chobits}

* * *

 

 **Kouta:** So you don't remember me?

 **Jiro:** Nope.

 **Kouta:** But do you remember what you're supposed to do?

 **Jiro:** Only that I have to vaguely protect someone from something vague.

 **Kouta:** Oh, okay. Carry on then.

{Signs blare saying **WATCH OUR MOVIE TO GET WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!** }

* * *

 

{The Kazuraba Residence}

 **Akira:** Damn it, Kouta!

 **Kouta:** It's not my fault. He asked me to push the button!

 **Akira:** No, not only am I stuck doing the work around the house while you're out kicking ass and taking names, _again_ , but now the only source of wacky hijinx that doesn't come from that cake shop is gone and the Urobutcher will surely have his grasp over me!

 **Kouta:** I'm sure he'll go after someone else... Like Sid. Sid's a prick.

 **Akira:** I doubt he's just gonna off him like that. He favours pricks. We'll be goddamned lucky if he gets offed next week, let alone at any moment the entire show. Well, at least Jiro found his owner... I think...

* * *

 

{Yggdrasil}

 **Ryoma:** Let's agree to never speak of this again.

 **Yoko:** Um... People are going to notice the giant scar across your forehead and that whole android thing that was over your place for about a day or so. And let's not forget that Takatora's now a Kikaiderony.

 **Ryoma:** A Kikaider...ony... Yeah, screw this, I'm out of here. If anyone asks, tell them I'm doing a musical and will only be able to do voice work as Duke. Oh, by the way, I'm supposed to vaguely talk about DARK.

{Signs blare saying **WATCH OUR MOVIE TO GET WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!** }

* * *

 

{The Kazuraba Residence}

 **Akira:** Guess no movie for us.

 **Kouta:** We can go. Just the two of us.

 **Akira:** Okay.

 **Kouta:** I'm glad we made it through this entire episode without one reference to ReB-

{Kouta then looks at Akira's poster for the movie they're about to go watch, titled _ReBoot_ , with the poster having Matrix posing like a badass while Megabyte's eyes loom over like a generic movie villain}

 **Kouta:** Oh god damn it!

**The End**

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I actually liked this crossover. It was just that I couldn't resist abridging it, so I decided to do a Mini-Bridge, where I don't do the entire series, just one special from that show, much like how I did that Chou Den-O movie in my Journey Through The Abridged fanfic.


End file.
